CATTERPILLARBOY (I HATE IT HERE)

Awesome music from one of the greatest families out there

Once upon a time in the not-too-distant future (in distant days longing to sense it all so clear):

Oh, it’s that time of the year again…Thanksgiving is coming up, Christmas is in the air, love and goodwill all around as we hang around family and/or loved ones, reflect on the year that was, wondering what lies in the year(s) yet to come all the while sitting by a warm fire on a cold winter’s night sipping on some cider.

So in the spirit of the season, I present to you My Ten Levels of Hell:

10. Buyer’s Remorse
9. Disappointment
8. That uncomfortable silence at the end of a conversation when you realize when you have nothing else to talk about and in fact, nothing in common anymore with the person you’re talking to
7. That shaky feeling you get after you realized that you almost got into (or did get into) a nasty accident
6. Whatever passes for popular music nowadays…ah, hell- include most forms of populist entertainment here as well (whoever invented and/or is involved with TMZ deserves a special place in Hell, or at least, prison)
5. Times when you were told you didn’t do as good a job that you could have done on a project
4. Being Cock-Teased
3. The fact that there are horrible things out there that you are useless to do anything about (such as there are at least 178 million starving kids in this day and age, the fact that we, as a people, still find the need to conduct experiments on animals,the corporate mindset, creationism and of course, all the unrighteous hate and rage that is out there)
2. Being stuck in traffic for hours and hours on end and you only moved about ten feet or so (basically any task that can be seen as Sisyphean is hell to me)
1. The realization that you are worthless, broke, have no friends, have no place to call home and you look like you were beat with the ugly stick- twice.

(I have experienced most but not all of these levels- but these are things I think I will be tortured with endlessly if I ever ended up in the demonic underworld. Good thing I don’t really believe in that. Hell, like Heaven, is what we make of it…).

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Till next time, true believers- I guess I’ll always hate tomorrow but not as much as I hate today.

Once upon a time in the not-too-distant future (in distant days longing to sense it all so clear):

I always like the playlist of the Flashback lunch during Halloween- sometimes they play songs that I have never heard of although they usually songs that I have personally have probably heard over and over again for the past few days (but then again- these are songs that I probably would never hear on the radio unless it was Halloween). This year, the local wannabe KROQ played the following:

• Everyday is Halloween by Ministry (the unofficial theme of the holiday although I prefer Halloween by Siouxsie & the Banshees)
• Pet Semetary by the Ramones (better than the movie)
• Ghost Town by the Specials (I am starting to like this song quite a bit)
• Rigor Mortis by Swift Second (never heard this song before)
• Grimly Fiendish by the Damned (ditto)
• Skull by the Misfits (I was never a Misfits fan- I think all their songs sound alike, but nonetheless all their songs sound like they belong to heard on Halloween)
• Killing Moon by Echo & the Bunnymen (theme song to the best Cowboy-Ghost story never told)
• Dead Man’s Party by Oingo Boingo (cliché but what are you gonna do?)
• Ghost of a Texas Ladies Man by Concrete Blonde (sounds out of place not more so than the song they closed out the Flashback Lunch with)
• Ghost in you by the Psychedelic Furs (what the hell!?)

And while we’re on the topic of Spoooooky Stuff: The 10 Least Wussy Vampire Movies Ever (from Topless Robot and sorry if I’m too lazy to post the link):
The wussification of vampires has been a long time coming, but the trend has reached its apex with the execrable Twilight series, which has all but sucked the life out the vampire genre. And unfortunately, many of us nerds lucky enough to have girlfriends will have to suffer through another installment of it all too soon, unless we're doubly lucky enough to have a nerd girlfriend who's immune to Twilight's emo charms (nerd girls, we doubt you have this problem). To steel yourself for the challenge, or just wash the away the taste after the experience, here are 10 vampire movies that don't suck. These are quality films starring horror's favorite bloodsuckers that are full of action, adventure, explosions, and pure brutality -- and absolutely no sparkling.

10) The Lost Boys
There's nothing wrong with a vampire movie aimed at teens - The Lost Boys proved that. Not only is the greatest moment in the Coreys' (Feldman and Haim) history, it's also a damn fine vampire tale. Sure, it incorporates the fussy, "seductive" elements of vampirism that have been so horrifically distorted in modern vampdom, but it doesn't forget to make the vamps brutal bastards, too. Also, it has that maggot eating scene. You won't see that in Twilight.

9) Salem's Lot

Despite being a TV movie from the '70s, Salem's Lot is still a lot better than most of the vampire movies that followed it (not to mention most of Stephen King's other film adaptations). And these vampires are ugly, nasty, scary-ass things - not the kind of fey creatures teenage girls might swoon over so much as the kind of thing that gave every kid that saw this on TV nightmares for months afterwards (yeah, I was one of those kids). Still surprisingly good and scary after all this time, it's proof positive that vampires on TV don't have to be in a soap opera.

8) Near Dark
Okay, this movie has a tiny bit of emo prevarication on the part of one new vampire that might remind you slightly of Twilight's whiny, sad-bastard vamps - but the action more than makes up for it. It stars Lance Henriksen and Bill Paxton as Civil War era bloodsuckers-cum-modern day bikers who drive around the South in a tricked out vampire RV preying on shitkickers and hayseeds. And it has a bad-ass bar brawl that turns into a slaughter in which a dude's throat gets cut by a spur. Also, when these vampires are exposed to sunlight, they don't sparkle, they burst into flames.

7) Fright Night
The '80s produced some excellent horror comedies, such as this one. The best part about them is, despite incorporating some laughs, they didn't skimp on the horror part. Fright Night is the tale of a horror movie fan who has a vampire movie in next door. After watching his new neighbor dispose of a dead hooker or two, he tries to alert the authorities, his friends and a washed up vampire hunter from the movies, only to be ridiculed by all of them - until it's almost too late. Great makeup and a clever story really elevate this to classic status.

6) Blade
Blade is a superhero/vampire film that doesn't stick to the conventions of either superhero or vampire films; it just delivers the awesome all the way through. Wesley Snipes is a sneering badass as the main character and Kris Kristofferson is great as his human trainer/gadget master Wheeler. And even though he can walk in daylight (he's a vampire/human hybrid, see) walks in the daylight, he never sparkles -- he just keeps kicking ass, same as at night. The sequel, directed by Guillermo del Toro, is pretty damn good too, but not so much on number three.

5) From Dusk Till Dawn
Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarentino's first collaboration gives us some real bloodsucking fiends. Two badass killers and thieves run into a whole mess of vampires in a Mexican border town. And all hell breaks loose. These vamps were ugly as sin, mean as the devil himself and absolutely brutal. It's an action-filled, explosion-riddled monster of a monster movie that easily out-Grindhouses their later Grindhouse double feature. And it has an strikingly non-wussy cameo from Cheech Marin.

4) Let the Right One In
This recent Swedish favorite is a coming of age tale about facing up to bullies folded into a clever vampire story. It's less of a brutal action movie than a deep, well-acted, thinking man's vampire drama, but it's also one of the best vampire movies ever made, and the mysterious young female(?) vampire does her share of brutally graphic bloodsucking. Don't wait for the impending Hollywood remake - they're sure to screw it up and reading subtitles isn't that hard, you lazy bastards.

3) 30 Days of Night
In this film a group of ancient vampires come to an Alaskan town about to undergo a 30-day spell of darkness. They do not use this time to seduce all of the teenage girls in town. No, it's more of an all you can eat buffet kind of deal. Oh, and before they commence the snacking, they conspire to make sure no one can escape or call for help. Those are some bad ass vampires, indeed.

2) Martin
George Romero is better known for his canonical zombie tales, but this unusual take on vampires is arguably one of his best films. Martin, the titular sucker, lacks fangs and has to use drugs to incapacitate his victims and razor to get at their blood. Less action or horror and more psychological thriller, it's a weird, arty deconstruction of the vampire myth that makes the vampire look about as appealing as your average serial killer.

1) Nosferatu
This is not just the original vampire movie - it's arguably the original horror movie. And it will still give you the willies today. This thing isn't sexy - unless you think a walking corpse with dead, soulless eyes and claw-like hands is sexy (which some of you probably do. Could there be Nosferatu fan fic out there? Dare I even ask?). If you'd like a more modern take, the famed Werner Herzog remade it in 1979 and then John Malkovich and Willem Dafoe did a warped take on it in 2000's Shadow of the Vampire - they're all incredible in their own way.

Till next time, true believers- I guess I’ll always hate tomorrow but not as much as I hate today.

Once upon a time in the not-too-distant future (in distant days longing to sense it all so clear):

More Random Thoughts & Observations:
• No matter how hard you try, the Universe/God/Allah/Buddha/the Great Pumpkin/Fate will try and SUCCEED in screwing you over.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, my essential viewing/listening list for the totally awesome season of Halloween for this year:

Movies/TV

o Tim Burton’s Vincent
o Nightmare Before Christmas (double featured with the superior Corpse Bride)
o It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown
o Trick ‘r Treat
o Monster House
o Night of the Living Dead et al. (followed by Shaun of the Dead)
o A Chinese Ghost Story
o Sleepy Hollow
o Millennium: The Curse of Frank Black
o The Real Ghostbusters- any episode with the Samhain character
o Doctor Who: Blink
o That one episode of Invader Zim
o Star Trek Enterprise- the one with the Zombie Vulcans
o Bones: Mummy in the Maze
o Babylon 5: Day of the Dead

Music

o Switchblade Symphony- the entire Serpentine Gallery album
o Lover’s End by the Birthday Massacre
o Horror Show by the Birthday Massacre
o Halloween by Siouxsie & the Banshees
o Spellbound by Siouxsie & the Banshees
o Everyday is Halloween by Ministry
o Lullaby by the Cure
o Charlotte Sometimes by the Cure
o A Forest by the Cure
o Ghost Town by the Specials
o Pet Cemetery by the Ramones
o Anything from Oingo Boingo
o As It Fades by VNV Nation

There’s loads more- but right now I’m just too lazy to think about it…

Till next time, true believers- I guess I’ll always hate tomorrow but not as much as I hate today.